In your religion, am I right in thinking that you have arranged marriages? Yes, not in the sense that you have heard or read about, but in a different sense altogether. You know, the marriages in our community are arranged according to the strict principles laid down in the Holy Quran, which are strict, but they give you quite some elbow room for bringing so many factors in. This is normally not done by the other orthodox Muslims.
They are orthodox in the sense that they belong to the Middle Ages rather than go back to the time of the Holy Prophet, at which time Islam was much more modern than it was in the Middle Ages. The same thing happens to every religion. In Christianity, for instance, you go to the time of Christ, the Christianity of that time was so beautiful, so wonderful, but the Christianity of the medieval times in Europe becomes so horrid. They invented the Inquisition and things, and punishing, putting to stake. Here in England, 5,000 women, poor ladies, were burnt at stake under the allegation that they were witches.
So I’m not talking, when I say medieval Islam, I mean this Islam which has no relationship to its sources. We, in our community, this is the main difference. We attempt to go back to the pristine purity of Islam as found at the time of the Prophet Muhammad. There, the marriage was not arranged like it is now arranged in some backward countries. There, the values they attach to Islam are not Islamic values. They are traditional local values, which they follow in the name of Islam or whatever religion they may please.
So here, let me now enunciate the principles. Number one, the girl cannot be forced against her wish to marry anyone. A boy cannot be forced to wish against his will to marry anyone. The first right of decision lies with the person concerned, be it a male or female. The second principle is that they should consult their parents, because in the youth, they can’t decide sometimes correctly, because they can be carried away with passions, and the inexperience also may play a part against them.
Secondly, thirdly, although in larger family connections, they are permitted to see other girls and meet them in the company of other elders, but they are not permitted to go into courtships and do whatever they please. So a barrier of some sort is kept, not to permit them to come too close. So a sort of general affection is developed between male and female, and the parents also know, and sometimes the girls tell their mothers, and the boys tell their fathers that this is what we think would be good for us. And if they also agree, then there is no problem at all.
But if there is no suitable match in the close family quarters, where boys and girls usually know each other right from the childhood, and that is our advantage too. You are not married normally among cousins and close relations. While we prefer, not only we are permitted, but this is a preferred marriage, if you marry within the larger circle of a big family. So there is no problem of not knowing anybody and getting married to him.
The problem appears when there is no suitable match within the family, and by family I mean a large number of people, because our family system is much larger than your family system. Anyway, they have to marry outside as well. So in that case, it is the parents who tell friends and give the word that we are in search for a suitable match for a daughter or for a boy. Not only that, they write to the community office, which is particularly created for helping parents finding suitable matches, not only within the country, but outside in other countries as well.
We believe in marriages between Fijian and Pakistani, and American and Pakistani, and Fijian and African, and so on and so forth. We don’t have any barriers as far as the marriage is concerned. So investigations are held through the neutral sources of the community, and then the particulars are conveyed to each other and they flesh out, and if they really get interested, it is permitted that the girl should see the would-be husband, if he is going to be the would-be husband, and also should rely on certain reports.
In our system, the relationship between daughters and parents is much, much closer than here. So the girls would much rather depend on the advice of their parents than to decide for themselves. In reality, in a very great number of cases, if the girls are asked too much, where do you want to marry? She would feel unsafe and insecure. She knows her parents would make a better arrangement if they can have a chance, I mean, if they come across somebody suitable, they would see to it that the match is good and suitable. So the marriages arranged in this manner are more often than not successful. The factors which are responsible for the failures of marriage in our country are not the factors of arranged marriages, they are the factors of low standards of morality.
A deceitful person, whether he deceives directly a girl or her parents, would carry his way through deceit anyway. And if he has not conveyed the true picture of what he has and what he belongs to and what his attitude in life is, and so on and so forth, he can deceive an innocent girl much more likely than the parents. And if the parents have decided to deceive the other party, then it’s their crime. So these are the factors, initially, which are responsible for the failure of marriages. A has proposed to somebody, not revealing all the true facts about him, creating a very different picture of, you know, of his behaviour, his polish, his education, teaching.
And while in reality he was looking forward to the wealth the parents possessed of that particular girl, or vice versa. So when the marriage is conducted, after that they should begin to show their true colours and problems begin to appear. These, many of such factors are responsible for the failures, plus the factor of lower economic standard. In our country, whether the marriages were arranged or not arranged, that could not decide the issue of its being successful or not successful, as much as, in many cases, the poverty, the low economic standard of the country as such.
The husband and wife have to live with their parents, that is to say, the parents of the husband, and they can’t afford a separate living. And not only this, it’s further complicated when you imagine that there are five boys and all are living together in one house, with so little room available, and they jointly support the whole family. So these create problems like social problems here. You give them the name of racial problems, but it’s not entirely the racial difference which is possible.
There are other factors of behaviour, a girl comes from a different society, a different way of life, another one comes from a different… and their moral centres are different. So there are so many infights. Sometimes the husband begins to take unnecessarily the side of the parents, sometimes the other way around, and so on. So whatever ghastly picture you have in mind about the arranged marriages is not entirely based on the very principle of arranged marriage.
All these complex factors do play their role. Despite that, our arranged marriages stand a less likely chance of being broken or end up in a complete break of the family and problems you are facing here every day. Than here in the West, and more so in America. In America, when I visited there in 1978, I found that less than 40% people were… and when I say that, it is a very conservative estimate. Less than 40% people were married for life.
In the majority of cases, the marriage was broken within a matter of a year or two or three years at most, and the girls and the boys were either living with the mother or with the father, and so many broken homes I came across that were shocking. There too, it’s not only the principle of deciding for yourself, but the general moral standard which plays an important role in causing a marriage, successful or otherwise.
